Harder than I thought.. ;'(

I thought for sure that this could work between us because it was the second time and we had both gone through things that I thought would've made us better people, but You cant change people through Love.  It just doesn't work that way, and I'm afraid I've made the same choices and mistakes that I did back then.  I act like a punk and I need to change.

Yes, he goes to church with us, yes, he's more socialable, and yes, he's made better choices and gone back to school.  But that doesn't change the fact that he won't accept the Gospel into his life.  He's more Atheist than anything, which isn't a bad thing, everyone has their own Agency.

However, I NEED the Priesthood in my Home and I would like my husband to be a Return Missionary.  I don't want to be the only one going on a Mission.  I've tried talking to him about the Gospel but every time I do, it seems like he always has a Scientific answer for the way things "actually" work.  He doesn't feel the Holy Ghost and he doesn't quite frankly believe in God.  I AM getting Married in The House of the Lord, and with the way things are going, that won't happen in this relationship either.

As much as I love him, I have to let him go.  I can't reach my full potential with him and he has a different plan that he wants to follow.  I admit that I love him, but if we do this any longer...my heart will break.  I can deal with the little cracks for now, but I'm slowly slipping away, and soon I'll be lost in the black abyss that lies beneath the ground.

As poetic as that sounds, its the whole truth.  I'm attempting to be strong and put on a fake smile, but inside I'm tearing myself apart.  I know that he loves me and I know that I love him, but I can't do this anymore.  I know what I want and what I want will never work between us.  I discovered that then and I've found it again.

Everything that I want my future husband to have and cherish and love isn't here, and I KNOW that The Lord will help me through this because He LOVES ME.  I also KNOW that The Lord wants me to be Happy to EVERY SINGLE EXTENT, but I can't be happy living this way.

Its sooo Much easier said than done, now I just gotta do it..

Thanks for letting me vent...I just had to tell someone.